Dear Vehicle Adorners

Dear People Who Put Shit On Their Cars:

Your car says something about you, to be sure. Some, however, feel a need to convey something further to their fellow drivers; and there are of course a multitude of ways to do so. From bumper stickers to license plate brackets to those magnet-y things you can stick on the back, there are a multitude of ways to proclaim everything from your support of the troops to you affinity for non-cancer-ridden breasts.

I find acceptable, (as does, in general, The Official Preppy Handbook released in 1980) the following items with which to adorn the outside of your car:

- School Decals. You (or your parents, or dead grandparents) paid six figures for this privilege - why not flaunt it? But only if you are under 30 or if it's for a school your children attend.
- Sports team /athletic affiliation. Home team REPRESENT!
- Those white ovals with black lettering suggesting an affiliation with a specific locus (but only if you actually HAVE an affiliation with it, i.e. property or family with property or a frequency of visitation there - not just that you went there once).
- Something about breast cancer. Normally I'm against references to boobs in traffic, but how can one not rally around support of breast cancer research?!

And THAT'S IT. With the exception of the bumper sticker that says "My other car is a broomstick" - because that one just makes me laugh.

Some examples of INAPPROPRIATE vehicle adornment:

- Any national political candidates. Political discourse need not happen at traffic lights. (Local elections, however, are the exception as they usually smack of a gentler, Lesley Knope-esque quality.)

- Rainbows. Come on, what are you trying to prove? Why don't you just put a sticker on your car that says "I suck dick".

- Supporting of the troops. We all support the troops. Nobody DOESN'T support the troops. They're just doing their thing. Even the people against the war support the troops. End of story.

And this one pisses me off. "I'm going to be tolerant because a Dodge Grand Caravan's dented ASS told me to be:


Some non-traditional examples of adornment no-no's:

Disgusting:


Trashy / Don't get it:


Kitschy / Ridiculous / Driver most likely has a stalk of straw between what few teeth he has:


And The Official Preppy Handbook LA and I agree, you should never hang anything from your rearview mirror, ever. You never want to have anything to do with anyone who hangs something from their rearview mirrors.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with your mama.

Sincerely,
Dear Crabby