Dear Selection of Sympathy Cards at Rite Aid

Dear Selection of Sympathy Cards at the Rite Aid at the corner of Sunset and Fairfax:

Rite Aid at Sunset and Fairfax, first of all, your store is the size of a Wal-Mart. If Sir Alexander Fleming were alive today, and he saw his beloved penicillin being hocked in a pharmacy in such close proximity to pool toys, vodka, and most likely carcinogenic eaux de parfum, he'd take his mortar and pessel and chuck them right up the dairy aisle, saddened that there was one. Perhaps you could devote slightly more of your energies to the selection of items in which drug stores generally specialize.

And second of all, in a store of over three dozen haphazardly-placed aisles, (laid out in a pattern designed to keep you imprisoned in the store until you break down and buy a Hefty-sized bag of Doritos), you'd think that more than one measly section of one aisle could be dedicated to greeting cards. And WHAT cards they are. It's clear, Rite Aid, that you got in bed with a sub-par greeting card company, and decided to tell more established, erudite companies such as Hallmark and Shoebox to take a big, fat hike.

Why, Selection of Sympathy Cards at Rite Aid, are you so epically horrible? And why are your sentiments so long? And why, on that note, do you need to specify WHO we're sending sympathy for? "My condolences on the loss of your father / mother / podiatrist." Unless a particularly heinous streak of bad luck has hit you in the past week, don't you think you generally have a pretty good idea for whom you're receiving sympathy? "My sister tragically died last Tuesday, but my plumber died on Thursday - thanks to the specificity of this card, now I know whose death to feel sorry for!"

With sympathy cards, the less said, the better. Selection of cards, where are the SIMPLE missives? The concise, brief, "In sympathy" sentiments? Sending a card urging the bereaved to "Take comfort in the solace of the lord" or "cherish the blessed moments" and "Follow Jesus under the bridge over troubled water" makes me feel like a church-goin' lady in pantyhose and a big hat.

Selection of Sympathy Cards at Rite-Aid, you fail to impress. Next time someone I know kicks, I'll suck it up and go to the Papyrus store and spend $7 on a card as thick as my fist. In the meantime, I'll be in aisle 17; I need some cat food.

Best regards,
Dear Crabby