In the cut-throat world of female eponymous Insurance Companies, there has emerged a new impresario:
State Farm? Please. Geico? Surely you jest. And Farmers? Bum ba dum ba dum bum bum?! Forget about it! Adriana's Insurance is here to give the good people of Southern California not only its advertised "Lowest Rates", but far more come-hither billboard tableaux than any of those other, lamer corporations could ever muster up. After all, nothing says "affordable insurance premiums and quality customer service" quite like a woman in a red dress. Named Adriana!
What galls me, Adriana, (if indeed, you're even a real person!) is how fundamentally low your marketing campaign shoots. You're not even trying to appeal to the rational mind of your customer base! In no way are you attempting to draw any connection between your proffered advertising and the piece of mind quality insurance coverage can bring! No clever tree-falling-on-car scenarios, no old ladies scraping the shit out of their fenders backing out of the garage. Because really, how does a picture of one heavily made-up lady, who, let's be honest, doesn't exactly look like she has a Harvard MBA, and the enthusiastic phrase "lowest rates!" rationally draw customers? Even the stupidest person out there has to understand that these things don't go hand in hand.
But, perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps the reason that you, Adriana, run the "fastest growing insurance company in California" (according to your website) is because your campaign is working. Perhaps this simple, pared down fantasy that this woman, this "Adriana", will step off the billboard, giant hooters and all, and show up behind the desk that one must sit in front of to negotiate the inevitable premium increase after receiving a DUI is enough to get people give up their boring, asexual Mercury policy.
I'm going to go out on a live and say that all these new customers, this ever-increasing number of Souther Californians switching to you, Adriana's Insurance, are mostly men. I can only hope for their duped sakes you deliver on your promise of "full service."
Sincerely,
Dear Crabby
